An Excess of Entitlement

I have been actively researching our families’ history for nearly 20 years. However, even though I have a tree housed on, I don’t subscribe this site. Consequently, I do not have access to all of the “cool” features offers. I cannot initiate contact with other people researching common family; instead, I must wait for subscribers to make contact with me, if they so choose. Also, since I use the “free” version of, I do not have access to any other family trees, including public ones.

Oh well, I guess that is the price I pay for not paying their price. I have accepted these limitations and have adapted to make the most of what I am granted. During the decade-plus that I have been a part of the community, I have exchanged numerous communications with other amateur genealogists about common ancestors and extended lines. I have provided dozens and dozens of documents, photographs, and new information to these people, and some of them have returned the favor. For me, genealogy has been a collaborative effort.

For nine of those years, I have traipsed through cemeteries near and far, photographing thousands of headstones and transcribing that information to Most of these dearly departed are not related to me. So why do I do this? I do this for those who, because of distance or other limitations, cannot visit the final resting places of their ancestors. It is the least I can do, considering that the majority of my ancestors and my spouse’s kin are buried far, far from us. Therefore, we must rely on the kindness of others to document our ancestors’ burial plots. Again, this has proven to be a team effort.

During this time, all with whom I have corresponded have been appreciative, courteous, and/or helpful…not a negative one in the bunch.  That all changed this past year, when I encountered not one, not two, but three (T-H-R-E-E) demanding, confrontational people researching their family history.


The first pushy person I encountered was through’s Member Connect. In 2009, launched Member Connect, designed to help amateur genealogists connect with others who are researching the same people, allowing them to share their discoveries, stay updated on the research they are doing on their shared ancestors, and sometimes (if they are lucky) get to “know” a new family member. Through Member Connect, I have had the pleasure to interact with nearly 100 people, exchanging crucial information.

But then, in 2015, someone whom I have dubbed Ms. Veruca Salt contacted me. Her opening message was abrupt: “I want access to your tree.”  No hi, howdy, hey… no politeness… not even a reference to what family line she was researching.  Not a good start to a conversation, I must say.

I was willing to cut her some slack, though. Perhaps she had been in a hurry or was having a bad day? So, I dismissed the curtness of her message and wrote back: “Hello. I would be more than happy to help you. Who or what family line are you researching?”

Within the hour, I received this terse reply: “I just would like access to your tree.” Again, no cordiality (“Didn’t your mom teach you to say please and thank you?”) and no willingness to exchange information, contrary to the intent of the Member Connect service.


I immediately replied back:  “I am sorry, but regarding my private online family tree, I only share this with family members whom I know in person. Although this specific tree is not open to non-family, I am more than willing to assist you with researching our ancestors. What person/line are you researching?”

Her response back to me was not nice. It was so nasty, in fact, that I will only provide a synopsis of what she wrote (minus the meanness). Basically, Ms. Veruca Salt decreed that since she shared a common relation with me generations back that I was obliged to grant her access to my tree, even though the vast majority of my family members have absolutely nothing to do with her.

Several hours later, I wrote back to her—with great restraint, I must add: “Here is some information that I can provide about our common ancestor…” I then sent her birth and death dates and places, as well as links to some places online that discussed him and his family and a brief blurb I wrote about him. I concluded with: “If you ever discover something about (our common ancestor) that you would like to share, please feel free to contact me. Until then, best of luck in your research.” I never received a response (Thank heavens!) or a thank you (Imagine that!).

Whew, I thought, at least that person was the exception to the rule. Boy, was I wrong!  A few months later, I received another crusty correspondence, this time from a man to whom I will refer as Mr. Mine.


Mr. Mine shot me a message that read: “I would like the story you wrote about (our shared ancestor).” Again, no greeting and no manners…What has happened to common courtesy these days? Didn’t anyone ever teach these people that you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar?

Regardless, I replied: “Thanks for contacting me about our common ancestor. Here is some information I have on him.” As before, I included birth and death dates and places, as well as details about this ancestor and his family. I concluded with “If you ever learn anything more about him that you would like to share, please feel free to contact me. Until then, good luck with your genealogical endeavors.”

I assumed that would be all that I would hear from Mr. Mine. Once more, I was wrong.

In response, Mr. Mine proceeded to lecture me about how I had no right to keep my tree and my corresponding stories private since these were HIS ancestors too. He then proceeded to get up on a soapbox, claiming that all genealogical research is public domain…Yada, yada, yada.

I was appalled at Mr. Mine’s nastiness and assumptions.  What makes him think that he (or anybody) has a RIGHT to other people’s creative thoughts and hard work? I wanted to respond that much of my tree is open to the public through MyHeritage,com. In addition, some of my stories/research are accessible through my public blog. Nevertheless, what I choose to share or not to share is my choice. My stories, penned by me, belong to me. They are my intellectual property.  Then, just in case Mr. Mine was unaware what that meant, I was then going to provide a definition of intellectual property: “A work…that is the result of creativity, such as a manuscript,…to which one has rights and for which one might apply for a…copyright, etc.” In other words, Mr. Mine, you do NOT have a right to my creations, no matter how many temper tantrums you throw! However, in the end, I decided to ignore his tirade and block all other messages from him.

I really hoped that would be the last insensitive, entitled amateur genealogist with whom I would have to deal. Wrong again!

A little over a month ago, I received a message on my wall, requesting a slew of people be transferred to an anonymous requester, to whom I will refer as Gen. Gimme ‘Em. Most of the memorials Gen. Gimme ‘Em wanted transferred were people who were distantly related, indirectly related, or not related at all.

However, Gen. Gimme ‘Em did request the memorials for eight grandparents and great-grandparents. As they were not directly related to me, I gladly transferred those to Gen. Gimme ‘Em. Contrary to his/her demand, I did not transfer the very distant, slightly related, or altogether unrelated people (about a dozen records in all).

A few days later, instead of “Thanks for transferring my grandparents’ and great-grandparents’ records to me.”, I received this snarky message: “Where are the other records I asked for?”


I responded with the following blurb found on my profile, right above the comment section to which this person was posting: “Regarding the transfer of memorials, if the person is not related to my family, I will transfer a record, provided you personally can show DIRECT lineage within four generations (your child, sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, great-grandparent)—as per the Find A Grave guidelines—or if you have sponsored the memorial. Otherwise, I will NOT transfer the memorial. As Find A Grave clearly states: Simply having someone in your family tree is NOT grounds for management transfer.”

Now, you might be wondering why I have chosen to adhere so stringently to these guidelines. My reasons are simple. First, I have had people requesting many memorials from me to whom I am directly related. Obviously, I am not transferring those.

Next, oftentimes more than one person is related to a person whose memorial I create.  For example, I once had two different people request the transfer of the same memorial within a couple of days of each other. In my profile, I state: “When I receive multiple requests for the transfer of a memorial to whom I am not related, then I will transfer the memorial to the person with the closest relationship to the deceased (again within four generations). Please do not try to lay claim to an ancestor through an older or extended family member.” In this instance, one of the requests came from the deceased’s great-great niece; the other was a direct descendant. Obviously, I transferred the record to the direct descendant.

Finally, I do not troll through my distant families’ FindAGrave records, demanding that those I did not create be granted to me just because I share these people’s DNA. Why? Even though I am related to this person, after several generations have passed, so are hundreds or even thousands of other people. What makes my claim any more legitimate than theirs? Also, I know how much effort it takes to document all of these grave sites. The people who created these memorials willingly donated their time and energy to document my relatives’ final resting places. I am just grateful that they shared them with the rest of us! Who cares who “manages” the memorials? I can make edits and upload images to those pages, if needed. Why do I need to have possession of these pages?  The answer is I don’t.

Anyhow, back to Gen. Gimme ‘Em. As I said, I had responded to this person with the rationale why said memorials had not been transferred. Obviously, this was not good enough for Gen. Gimme ‘Em, whose response was one of the most crass pieces of vitriol I have ever received. The response was truly hateful and completely off-base. The short of it: Gen. Gimme ‘Em called me a memorial collector—a hoarder.


Really? A hoarder? Because I spent hours upon hours and days upon days traipsing through cemeteries near and far to help insure that every headstone is photographed and transcribed? Because I want to make sure that no one is lost or forgotten? Because I want to make sure that all relatives can “visit” their families’ final resting places, even if they are halfway across the world?

I was struggling with how to best address this person’s misconception and hopefully help him/her understand the FindAGrave rationale to which I adhere. However, before I even had the chance to respond, another scathing message from Gen. Gimme ‘Em arrived—this time via e-mail, courtesy of FindAGrave’s Suggest Corrections feature. This communication was even more offensive than the previous one. In it, Gen. Gimme ‘Em asserted that if I was unwilling to transfer the requested records, then I must have a fetish for dead people…a virtual necrophiliac.


Yes, yes, he/she did…using those very words, if you can believe it!  Needless to say, I had no choice but to block his/her e-mail address and to report his/her abusive language to the FindAGrave powers-that-be. Thankfully, the powers-that-be did what they do, and Gen. Gimme ‘Em was designated a persona non grata in the FindAGrave sphere.

One would think that after suffering this trio of terrors that I would be a bit apprehensive of collaborating with anyone, anywhere ever again about genealogy.


Okay, I might be just a little wary. Thankfully, when I consider that in the past 15 years, of the hundreds of people with whom I have corresponded, only three were not-so-nice…not a bad ratio, I will concede. Let’s just hope it is a long time, though, until another rude, overindulged family historian contacts me…. a very, very long time.

#entitlement     #genealogy     #meanpeoplesuck

Categories: Miscellaneous Musings, This Is My Life | Tags: , , , , , , | 18 Comments

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18 thoughts on “An Excess of Entitlement

  1. I’ve done a little genealogy and I found out how much research it can take to get one person’s birth date correct! So I can respect that such information is closer to intellectual property than a birthright. Also, the information of living relatives needs to be as private as they’d like it to be. Cheers, Rebecca

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks, Rebecca. I was raised by some ladies whose Southern-belle sensibilities helped shaped me. These women were adept at telling someone off while still maintaining a polite facade and a sugar-sweet tea smile: “Bless your heart…” 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good for you for standing your ground. You were polite, thoughtful and kind despite their unpleasantness. Their loss! -Rebecca

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: *Press it* An Excess of Entitlement | Its good to be crazy Sometimes

  5. I know how frustrating it is to toil so long and hard on someone else’s behalf without a simple thank you in return. Since you did not even get an acknowledgement, Eilene, I would like to say thank you for all of the work you did to help another discover their roots. The world needs more people like you who are willing to give their time and efforts to assist another. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You seem to have the patience of a saint! Last year, I spent hours upon hours helping a DNA match adoptee (who turned out to be a “double” second cousin) figure out who his biological parents are. Did he acknowledge my assistance or even say “Thank you?” Heck no! Sometimes I fear civil society is dead.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Don’t you just LOVE people who make erroneous edits willy-nilly? (Insert sarcasm here…) I have one FindAGrave user who seems to revel in making wacky edits to my ancestors on a regular basis. What a gem he is! lol


  8. Carol Barclay Radowenchuk

    Stumbled upon this one today too! Thank you for handling these hateful people with such humor! It certainly brightened my day.

    I had a go around with a person on FAG not too long ago who requested changes on a memorial (not mine), but a direct Allison ancestor, that the owner changed. The info was for a gentleman with the same name but totally different location with totally different children! The owner of the memorial made the changes. I asked the person who requested the changes to contact the owner of the memorial and let them know it was a mistake and to remove the wrong information. I was ignored! I waited awhile then contacted the owner of the memorial, explained the situation, provided documentation that included my first born male child (kidding), and she was nice enough to make the corrections with a note that it was not the same guy. Don’t you think that the six different children’s names would have been a red flag to this person making the request that perhaps she had the wrong guy? Nope, she in turn requested everyone to remove the children because they didn’t match what she had.

    Pfft! Got to love it and keep calm…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I have another memorial obit written and ready. As soon as I can get out to the cemetery where my ex is buried for a photo of the headstone (with something to make sure the jerk can’t say I “stole” his photo) I will upload a second memorial. I know that is against policy but as there seems to be no other legal or polite way of making sure that information is available I’ll bend the rules. I sure do hope karma does a job on the jerk. The language in the message was disgusting.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh my gosh, Aquila, what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person! (Can you tell I have young kids?)

    I cannot believe someone would deny you the management of your ex-spouse’s memorial, especially since he had no family remaining to honor his memory. Then, to add insult to injury, the fact that the FindAGrave contributor deleted both the obituary and the photo you posted is reprehensible! The purpose of these memorials is not only to document the final resting places of people but also to tell the life stories of these individuals, keeping a part of them “perpetually alive.”

    Here’s hoping karma comes back to bite that insensitive lout in the bum! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I have had the cold shoulder treatment from a couple people of whom I politely requested information about family ancestors. As disappointing as that is, I’d rather that than the nasty ones of which I’ve had quite a few.

    I have had problems with Find-A-Grave hoarders, the ones that are more interested in the number of memorials they “own” than in seeing that family members are given management of their ancestors. I had asked to manage my deceased ex-spouse as there were no remaining family to manage the memorial. I had uploaded a detailed “obituary” and photo of my ex, and they deleted both. I may have met your Mr. Mine or perhaps one of his cousins who also inherited his uncouth behavior.

    I do not even respond anymore to demands for information. If it isn’t possible to ask in a civil manner, you can damned well go do the same work I did to find the same information.

    Keep up the good work and don’t let the jerky people get you down.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I seem to run into more of the trouble makers than the good ones. At least it seems that way. Keep up the good work. My big problem is when people do not answer your emails. However I have met some real gems while researching my family and they can make it all so worth while.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. On Friday, July 15, 2016 at 5:03 a.m., I received the following response to this post from my paternal aunt:

    Wow, what nastiness you have had to contend with! It sounds like you handled it all in a mature firm way. Good for you! I hope that you won’t encounter more like that, but if you do … hang tough and strong!! 🙂

    Thanks so much for all your hard work.

    You are welcome, Aunt V. Love to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. On Thursday, July 14, 2016 at 11:01 p.m., I received the following response to this post from my spouse’s second cousin:

    I am so sorry to hear about all these nasty and selfish people you have had to deal with lately. All these years no problem and then three in a short period of time.

    You are so right about more and more people becoming rude and inconsiderate, and yes, entitled. You are also right that many don’t understand the difference between want and need. They think if they want it, they need it. It’s so sad for them and frustrating for the rest of us. I hope you don’t have to deal with any more like those.

    I really appreciate all you do for genealogy. I wish I could do more, and perhaps one day I will be able to. For now I will enjoy the fruits of your labor. Thank you and bless you!

    You are welcome, Donna. Blessings to you too!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. You, Cyndy, are one of the gems of genealogy! You understand that family history works best when we all work as a team.

    Thanks to you, we now know about our Delatush progenitor. For that, I (and so many others) am eternally grateful.

    I only hope that I have and will continue to prove as helpful to others in their genealogical research as you have been for us. God bless!


  16. Cyndy Mack

    I also have been trucking thru the yards and Trenton archives for years and sharing a lot of my information with you and others. Sometimes I would wonder why people would use all my information then have their tree on private also. I would see my documents and pics w/my feet in the pic that people would have originally saved by them and a relative would come to me and say oh look what I have found and I would be like oh that is my stuff that I trucked around to get! lol

    What is important to me is that I have my tree as Public so my research may get out there for the Generations to come. I have 10 generations of family in New Jersey alone. From the Delatush to the Covenhovens and VanWickle, joined the D.A.R. and had my Revolutionary Soldier Henry Delatush’s grave marked in what is now a state prison and very hard to get into! But thanks to my Cousin we did get in and all my research will live on even after the graves are gone! I was the first one to put all of my family history out on Ancestry and now many have trees with all my info and I feel very Proud that I have touched so many!

    Also very Proud of you and your sharing some of my information and adding much more to it on your site. You are very good at you work ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I am so glad you got a kick out of those, Kristen. I needed something to lighten up the subject matter. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Wow. That’s crazy! Sorry you had to deal with such rude people. I like your use of memes and animated gifs though. Funny stuff! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

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